Dandelion Mix für den Sommer
Gorky's Zygotic Mynci -- This Summer's Been Good from the Start
Clap Your Hands Say Yeah! -- Sunshine And Clouds (And Everything Proud)
The Lucksmiths -- There is A Boy that Never Goes Out
Nick Drake -- My Sugar So Sweet (Blind Boy Fuller)
PJ Harvey -- Pocket Knife
The Divine Comedy -- National Express
Robots in Disguise -- Boys
Luxembourg -- Close-Cropped (Acoustic)
The Arcade Fire -- Haiti
Patrick Wolf -- Afraid
Bishi -- Three Ravens
The Karelia -- Love's A Cliché
Final Fantasy -- This Modern Love
The Coral -- Wildfire
Jennifer Gentle -- Nothing Makes Sense

Der Aufbruch nach London fühlt sich nach viel mehr an als er ist. In mir herrscht allgemeine Umbruchsstimmung und ich möcht am liebsten alles hinter mir lassen. Oder jedenfalls alles schlechte.

Für Leute die wirklich extrem interessiert sind an meinem Gemütszustand gibts hier auch noch eine 12 Seitige abhandlung darüber zu lesen. Über meinen Gemütszustand schreibend gehn mir die Seiten schnell von der Hand - aber wenn es sich um das leidige Thema handelt, von dem ich in letzter Zeit ohnehin schon zu viel rede, dann muss ich mir jeden Satz hart erkämpfen. Ich frage mich ob es legitim ist akademische Aufsätze mit Bildern zu schmücken, wenn sie die Argumentation unterstützen. Dass würde mir die 12 Seiten vielleicht schneller einbringen. Ich werd' es einfach tun - die Note ist mir eh egal.
Aber jetzt noch die Herzausschüttung aus dem Livejournal (und deshalb Englisch):

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Musings of a Seafaring Maiden

Probably - but possibly not - my last entry before I'm off to England. For 2 weeks, not for 9 months. I wish you all a very fond farewell and most of you know how to contact me, should it become a necessity. So, you're invited.

I have to say, I am very glad to be leaving now, because there's some nasty baggage that I've been carrying around with me - for much too long, but I've been actually feeling it for about a week. It was a rather distressing week, with the breakup, and the university troubles and my general incapability to finish anything until it's almost too late.

A general incapability to finish anything until it's almost too late - maybe this sums up my problems. My incapability to finish anything just makes me suffer, and I know I have to change it. I just don't know how. Just forcing myself to never seemed a possibility, but it's just what I'll try to do now, and it's why this journey comes in handy. It will help me get away from the life I am stuck in - I won't get away entirely because I'm still taking large chunks of that life with me, but I'll just see it as a little exercise in getting away. Maybe when I come back I will be able to start anew, and somehow become someone who functions better than me. And who I still don't have to despise.
I will need to be that person already when I go to England for good, at least partially. I cannot be desolate and shambolic and an emotional and mental mess when I go there. Otherwise the new environment will probably break me. I will try to do more of the things that are good for me and less of the things which I know are bad for me in the long run, even if I seem to enjoy them now - and I'm not talking bout drinking and smoking, to be honest. I hope I will be able to make peace with the past - to leave things behind me which I cared about, without having to make myself forget that I ever cared about them, and without thinking the cursed line "never really liked it anyway".

It's the time to throw parts of me over board, parts which will only weigh me down and encumber my fare. It's going to be the sea soon, instead of just the lake. There's going to be larger waves and greater storms - even though it's hard to imagine that now, as my small storms already seem perturbing enough.
I'm going to have to be a lot stronger to stay over water. But at the same time, I still don't want my shell to be too hard to let anything in. Because letting things in is the point of the journey. I still wanna be wide-eyed and hungry, and not sure how I will turn out. But at the same time I wanna know where I'm going, because not knowing that makes you so extremely vulnerable. If I don't know who I am, I will put too much importance into other people's opinion of who I am and that doesn't help me much.

I wish I was sixteen or seventeen again, but with my mind off the silly things I cared about then - they were reassuring, because they were not real. And I am always an advocate of silly things, but they took up a disproportionately large part of my life. Now they are almost gone from my life, and although they might have touched me, and taught me things, they are not really that important to me any more. I wish I had invested into something lasting, something I would still make use of now. But it's the price you pay for being a fantasist.

The bonus of being sixteen or seventeen is that your surroundings still accept that you have to be a child sometimes, but they also see the potential in you, and they see that you will be an adult soon. Ideally, your surroundings should help you go through that process, open your eyes to the possible good things in your future life. Unfortunately, it's absolutely not like that. Like I was, most sixteen or seventeen yearolds don't care much about the possible good things of their future. And mostly the surroundings aren't right either. I am blaming both parties equally - there is a lack of mentors just like there is a lack of apprentices. There is generally a lack of open-mindedness, and that is sad. If people started thinking the right thoughts while their minds are still soft, there wouldn't be so many narrow-minded, misguided adults, whose minds are so hard that they cannot be changed any more, they have to be broken. Unfortunately there are many young people whose minds harden so early that there's nothing that can be done for them.

But this is irrelevant now for me because I am not sixteen or seventeen any more. I am twenty and no one accepts that I have to be a child sometimes, at least not in professional environment. I just have to stuggle on and pretend that I already know who I am. But all I know is that I have to change something - I finally have to do something in my life, which I will be able to remember later - without derision, scorn, pain or sadness and with some pride and content.

I think it's time to end this entry - it's a bit too long to be read anyway. I don't think i need it to be read anyway, because there is no one but me who needs to know about these things - but in order to know and realise, I have to write it down.
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Es tut mir leid, wenn ich anstrengend bin. Ich bin auch angestrengt, wenn das tröstet.

Es ist seltsam, dass die ganze Welt, oder jedenfalls meine gesamte Umgebung eine gewisse Umbruchsstimmung zu verspüren scheint. Ich hab ja den Verdacht dass ich nur auf den bandwagon springe, wie üblich. Aber vielleicht muss ich das tun, um nicht allein zurückzubleiben, denn die Anzahl der Menschen die zur Zeit aus gewohnten Institutionen verschwinden ist unglaublich und unverständlich groß. Durch ihr verschwinden aus den Institutionen verschwinden jene Menschen auch aus meinem Leben - und reißen auch die Institutionen ein, jedenfalls für mich.
Es mag sehr komisch klingen, wie ich hier von "Institutionen" rede, aber man sollte das eher abstrakt sehen - einfach als Orte, die Menschen zusammenbringen, und ohne die man mit diesen Menschen nie eine Freundschaft aufbauen hätte können. Es ist unglaublich wie wichtig solche Institutionen für einen Menschen - mich - werden konnten, und wie sehr ich ihre Existenz vermisse/vermissen werde.
Ich suche nun eben verzweifelt einen Ausweg, und das einzige was nicht so feige scheint ist die Flucht nach vorne. Wenn ich früher wegrenne, muss ich wenigstens nicht mit ansehen, wie um mich herum alles in die Brüche geht.
Ja, ich glaube das macht Sinn.

Langsamer Tod durch das Weganalysieren des Selbst.

Gut. Für zwei Wochen müsst ihr jetzt wohl ohne mich auskommen. Nicht dass dies hier mehr Leute lesen als ich Persönlichkeiten habe. Aber denen sag ich jedenfalls ein herzliches Tschüß und wir sehn uns im August, hoffentlich geistig gesundet.